oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
Randomize
