my room smells like sperm. sweet.
just got 3 freshman girls to makeout with each other at a toga party! score!
why is this not a picture message?!?!
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
Randomize
