I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
I may be Daddy's little princess, but doesn't mean I can't be the blowjob queen.
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
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