I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
Randomize
