I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
I will pee on everything he values.
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
You did what with his pubic hair?
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