woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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