my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
Randomize
