I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
I actually want to hang out with her with our clothes on. That's a big step up for me.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
Randomize
