Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
I was hooking up with him in my car, he wouldn't stop with my nipples, I had to literally beat him off of me. He kept groaning too while he was doing it. Sick.
Mommy issues
Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
Walt I've been the third wheel taking shotssssssssssssssssolo. Each s is for each solo shot.
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
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