Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
Pretty sure I was naked for most of the night.....success
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
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