im insabelyl wasted and diont know if ill yexyed tou. call me
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
The girl in the white might have stds. I'm strangely okay with this.
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
Randomize
