I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
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