My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
I'm sitting in my room naked waiting for him. When he gets here im going to make him do 20 pushups and lick my clit for a hour
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
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