I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
The musician playing at the bar just puked inside his acoustic guitar, then sang an encore performance. I love Louisa!!!!
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
I only have two playlists on my iPod. One for when im getting drunk, one for when I'm getting high. Is this something to be worried about?
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize