Pregnant stripper...not hot.
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
Randomize
