The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
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