It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
I dont understand how a fully grown man could convince himself that lime green crocks would look good on him.
I remember asking you "need some dick tonite?"
Yeah I guess to me frat party equals penis party. oh the wonders of vodka.
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
Randomize
