I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
i cant talk right now. we are trying to finish our homework so we can play with play-doh
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
Randomize
