He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
$5 off purchases of eighths or more today only. Happy tax-free weekend. -Your consumer-minded pot dealer
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
Justin has passed out on the toilet in a locked stall. Stay tuned for pics.
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