I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
after giving each other head, we had a really nice post-oral heart to heart. found out he lost his virginity in a threesome.
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
just a question.. totally understand if you dont know what im talking about.. but.. do you have my funnel? i think i tucked it in to your bed last night.
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
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