A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
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I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
If you make 120 dollars and I walk instd of drive and don't eat or smoke this week we can pay rent
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
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The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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