This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave
I can officially say I had a blunt rolled on my ass
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
tell raye i said hi and sorry for bleeding on the limes
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