no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
oh well we may not be friends on facebook but at least i got laid
i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
