dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
it turns out jennifers body is not good to beat off to. yeah its megan fox but when she pukes up blood = goodbye boner
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
Randomize
