just so you know, the whole club saw your tits last night. and booed.
for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
Randomize
