dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
I AM VODKA MAN
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
Every time Brady gets sacked I cum a little...
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
Randomize
