my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
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