I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
