On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
Can you send me the pictures of me riding the penis
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
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