Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
He just kept yelling cup my balls to everyone they kicked us out after 20 min
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
Well my summer started by me waking up in a tube on the side of the pond this morning with 2 of my friends. So that's good..
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
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