I could make wine with my vomit
the mole on his forehead could get me off better than his dick
please tell me you have proof of this
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
In other news I saw a pack of make believe zombies walking down green st.
gotta love wednesdays
had a guy just try to take his underwear off in the middle of the bar w o taking his pants off. That kind of Sunday afternoon
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
Why did this happen to me why did I have to meet him if I could go back in time I never would have grabbed his dick
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
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