I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
you need to know that there is a kid here wearing an i mosh for Jesus shirt
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
I saw him walking to campus with his beer in his hand in the same sweats he wore walking to campus with a beer in his hand yesterday.
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
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