roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
Randomize
