false alarm. still invincible.
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
he threw up in a solo cup, then washed it out and used it to play flip cup. Im not sure if thats resourceful or disgusting.
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
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