I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
she just sneezed while going down on me. is it rude for me to ask her to do it again?
There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
I have one brief flash of having his dick in my hand. that's all I remember.
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
trapped on the roof of the strip club. help
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
Randomize
