I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
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