I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
sex in a hospital.. check
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
I'm pretty sure I have PMS because I almost just cried about not being able to find a place that gives acrobat classes here.
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
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