Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
Its not like i paid for sex. She was stuck there, we simply exchanged rides.
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
He plays guitar, sings like an angel, and acts like a gentleman. If I don't fuck him by the end of first semester, I'm dropping out
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
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