My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
Just wanted to make sure that my favorite hot mess is still alive. I dont need words, just a response of any sort. K hope youre living
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This is sufficient.
We did face masks and fucked...he really isn't gay, what they say about europeans is just true
every single one of us blacked out. we woke up the next morning and it was like the night never happened. IT'S STILL A MYSTERY
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
Randomize
