Maybe if i eat something filling like whole wheat pasta it will make me less hungry for things like dick
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
I woke up, not remembering how or when or why i was even there and looked over to find Steph spooning with an adult black man.
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
His wife made me pancakes and let me borrow a clean shirt. Should I drop his class or use this to my advantage
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
Randomize
