I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
fell down stairs ended up in underground bar now im dancing with trannies and best night of my life. lines of coke
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
Randomize
