she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
Quick question. How did my clothes end up in your room on your bed and I end up outside your room naked on your couch?
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
I was simply suggesting that you really should try coke bondage sex.
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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