I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
I almost had a threesome in a giant beanbag chair. I love college.
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
wow. that really looks like a penis. not a top hat
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