Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
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If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
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Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
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