she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
i'm moving back early just in case the freshmen need a tour of the school
oh right the one that ends on your bed
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
why do all the dudes in this porno look like billy ray cyrus
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
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