Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
Dude I could put my dick between the gap in her teeth.. This is the last time we are hanging out with Kentucky girls
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Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
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I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
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