I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
Randomize
