Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
I wish I could walk around this campus with a big stamp that says "Approved" and just stamp girls asses as they pass.
Vodka shot parachutes
Fucking utilizing a thrid story dorm room
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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