He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
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