Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
Randomize
