I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
Randomize
