Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
I think our camping neighbours like us. We're the drunk girls trying to chop firewood with no pants on at 3 in the afternoon.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
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