That's why you don't touch shit after fingering somebone
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
you just can't say no to drugs on a mirrored table.
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
Randomize
