I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
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It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
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