i just saw a foot job.
porn is incredible...
yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
How the hell did he get a boner in that type of situation?
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
