if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
Its sad we have to plan out fun a month in advance. 30 sucks.
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
i will be the first lesbian to ever fail women's studies.
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
It was a blind-side dick pic.
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
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