worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
Dude she pregamed for her sorority's philanthropy.
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
Randomize
